the aftermath of my imagination exists.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Monday, June 1, 2009
WOUNDS.
I've got a new babe in my bed.
Last week, he left a circular wound on my thigh where he twisted a bottle cap into my flesh. Every time I look down to it I feel sublimely happy.
Today, he split my gums. I didn't even notice until later when he told me there was blood in my mouth. I was so high on pain that I could not taste blood.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
ON PAIN + SUBMISSION.
No, this will not be yet another essay about the tumultuous internal battle between identifying as a feminist and a need for submission. Not here, not today, not on the internet.
The longer I am in and out of sexual relationships, the more I desire pain and submission with sex. I realized this problem this morning while mentally paging back through my catalogue of sexual experiences, recalling the increasing violence of them and how GOD DAMN it's just never enough. The only time I can think of where recently I felt like yeah, that's enough (when I wasn't getting paid by a stranger) was with a boy who shall remain anonymous who I was fucking. He kept saying he had a "cock demon" which of course sounded awesome, but he was afraid to release it. I told him he obviously didn't know me at all, eventually he let his cock demon loose all over me--but only for about 30 fucking seconds. Within that span of time, he managed to my bruise my arms, tear my scalp a little, give me a rug burn on my chest and face, and nearly prolapsed my vagina. Basically it was totally amazing and all I wanted. He never released the cock demon again after that, but that's probably because I lost interest after that night.
And you know, I've really come to terms with the fact that I desire pain and submission; I just don't really understand why. I had a great childhood, no weird pathological neuroses related to pain. I am a survivor of multiple rapes, so the submission just makes no sense. Outside of a sexual context, pain kind of makes me nauseous. It baffles me as to why once I'm with a partner, all that I want to to be slapped and bossed around.
There's this head space that humans enter when in pain, and if you've ever experienced a large amount of pain--then you know what I am talking about. It's almost like getting a tattoo. It kind of hurts at first, and then the pain slips into this mediation, this trance, as your whole body reacts. Wow, just typing that out made me break a sweat a little. There's is this overwhelming calm that comes over me when I experience pain. It's better than drugs, it's better than food, it's better than therapy. It is better than anything in the whole world because it's the most I can ever feel at any moment, in every aspect--emotionally (once I started calling someone my saviour), mentally, and obviously physically. I am a fan of feeling things, and lately there has been a lot to feel.
This whole break up deal has been so difficult for me. It is not because I miss Lost Boy and I want him back. The two of us are happier away from each other because after four years of mistakes, there just wasn't really anything worth staying together for despite how much we love one another. Over the last three months, each day has been this ridiculous emotional up and down of epiphanies and the more I tried to distance myself from this process, the worst felt. So I'm just feeling it and it hurts. Fuck, it hurts a lot. But the funny thing has been that the more I've allowed it all to sink in and sting, the better I've felt. It's liberating and enlightening to experience two very different pains in the same way, emotional and physical coming to an apex and giving me the same results.
Maybe I am just a control freak. Sometimes I wonder if my increasing need for physical pain is just a way for my head to feel less alone, two separate sensations finding solace in one another. Sometimes I think my need stems from chemical addiction to endorphins and seratonin. Sometimes I think maybe it's something you're just born with, like being gay--because I've always craved pain and attention. Sometimes I think that maybe at this point in my life, I've begun to identify intense pain with Lost Boy and my sub-concsious misses him more than I'm willing to admit to myself.
Or maybe it's just all these things. All I really know is that it's frustrating. I don't want to be a total power bottom and ask my partners to "Please hog tie me while you go get drunk with your friends." Maybe I'm just a pain slut.
Yeah, probably.
The longer I am in and out of sexual relationships, the more I desire pain and submission with sex. I realized this problem this morning while mentally paging back through my catalogue of sexual experiences, recalling the increasing violence of them and how GOD DAMN it's just never enough. The only time I can think of where recently I felt like yeah, that's enough (when I wasn't getting paid by a stranger) was with a boy who shall remain anonymous who I was fucking. He kept saying he had a "cock demon" which of course sounded awesome, but he was afraid to release it. I told him he obviously didn't know me at all, eventually he let his cock demon loose all over me--but only for about 30 fucking seconds. Within that span of time, he managed to my bruise my arms, tear my scalp a little, give me a rug burn on my chest and face, and nearly prolapsed my vagina. Basically it was totally amazing and all I wanted. He never released the cock demon again after that, but that's probably because I lost interest after that night.
And you know, I've really come to terms with the fact that I desire pain and submission; I just don't really understand why. I had a great childhood, no weird pathological neuroses related to pain. I am a survivor of multiple rapes, so the submission just makes no sense. Outside of a sexual context, pain kind of makes me nauseous. It baffles me as to why once I'm with a partner, all that I want to to be slapped and bossed around.
There's this head space that humans enter when in pain, and if you've ever experienced a large amount of pain--then you know what I am talking about. It's almost like getting a tattoo. It kind of hurts at first, and then the pain slips into this mediation, this trance, as your whole body reacts. Wow, just typing that out made me break a sweat a little. There's is this overwhelming calm that comes over me when I experience pain. It's better than drugs, it's better than food, it's better than therapy. It is better than anything in the whole world because it's the most I can ever feel at any moment, in every aspect--emotionally (once I started calling someone my saviour), mentally, and obviously physically. I am a fan of feeling things, and lately there has been a lot to feel.
This whole break up deal has been so difficult for me. It is not because I miss Lost Boy and I want him back. The two of us are happier away from each other because after four years of mistakes, there just wasn't really anything worth staying together for despite how much we love one another. Over the last three months, each day has been this ridiculous emotional up and down of epiphanies and the more I tried to distance myself from this process, the worst felt. So I'm just feeling it and it hurts. Fuck, it hurts a lot. But the funny thing has been that the more I've allowed it all to sink in and sting, the better I've felt. It's liberating and enlightening to experience two very different pains in the same way, emotional and physical coming to an apex and giving me the same results.
Maybe I am just a control freak. Sometimes I wonder if my increasing need for physical pain is just a way for my head to feel less alone, two separate sensations finding solace in one another. Sometimes I think my need stems from chemical addiction to endorphins and seratonin. Sometimes I think maybe it's something you're just born with, like being gay--because I've always craved pain and attention. Sometimes I think that maybe at this point in my life, I've begun to identify intense pain with Lost Boy and my sub-concsious misses him more than I'm willing to admit to myself.
Or maybe it's just all these things. All I really know is that it's frustrating. I don't want to be a total power bottom and ask my partners to "Please hog tie me while you go get drunk with your friends." Maybe I'm just a pain slut.
Yeah, probably.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
DISCLAIMER REQUIRED.
This anti-child pornography video is extremely disturbing. Though not particularly "graphic", it may upset many people. I hope it affects everyone it sees, to be quite honest. Sex trafficking is not a small problem by any means. Part of me appreciates that some countries out there are willing to be this blunt about what sex trafficking entails, and part of me seriously loathes the fact that these videos need to exist in order to inform people that yes, this does happen. it happens more than we think.
Friday, April 3, 2009
CYCLOPHILIA.
I haven't been updating...life has been illogically tumultuous and weird lately. I've been distracted. A lot of things have been piling on top of one another. But here's an anecdote:
Last weekend, a friend and I were bombing Broadway on our bikes. Broadway is a busy street in downtown Portland that is very fun to bomb during rush hour. Anyway, I had to brake quite suddenly at a light and my friend, who rides fixed with a littttle tiny brake nestled under his handlebar stem, could not brake in time. He crashes into me from behind and eats shit. I, however, cannot bail efficiently and the result is my saddle goes into my ass. Yes, friends, I got fucked in the ass by my bike. Now that I know it is possible, it would probably be a mildly lucrative branch of porn. The funniest part is that my saddle reads ANATOMICALLY CORRECT in big loopy letters. My friend apologized and we laughed, but I had to find the nearest bathroom and examine my butthole to make sure it wasn't broken or anything.
So, as I was saying--life is totally silly and weird, especially when inanimate objects enter sexual orfaces. May that be a lesson to you.
Monday, March 16, 2009
FINALS.
This week is finals week, so needless to say, that is the reason I haven't been posting much. Not only that but I just started a new job, which is great and all but slightly poor timing. My brain has been quite consumed and a lot of strange things have been happening...I will be back, letting my dirty mind roam free on the internet once more next week.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
